Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
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Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
cyclists
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.