me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
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Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Cartman: Respect my
a a
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
United Steaks of America
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
getting old is fun