ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
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If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
me refusing to leave twitter
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Don’t we all.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?