me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
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“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.