Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
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Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂