me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
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The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
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One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist