Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN