ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
You Might Also Like
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
the #horror is real!
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.