Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
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The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Mission: Impossible
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Trumpy Cat
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
this makes me so uncomfortable
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake