Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
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Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?