me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
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ibopfufen
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?