Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
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I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
synchronized noseblowing
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree