Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
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i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.