Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
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Do furries go to doctors or vets?
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥