me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
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[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
three things we don’t talk about
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.