me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
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You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
dude it’s called proctologist
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.