Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
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The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys