Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
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You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
yeah not falling for this one
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?