Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

jesus, what did this guy do

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.