Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
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Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.