me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
You Might Also Like
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.