me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
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“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Just as the prophecy foretold
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
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I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’