me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
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[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.