Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
You Might Also Like
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything