Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
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Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist