Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
You Might Also Like
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”