Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
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My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
There’s never enough good news
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.