Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
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[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
In Canada they just call them geese
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
When I said I liked it rough.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
incredible book dedication
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.