Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
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Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
peep davidson
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?