[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
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home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
You better watch out
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Is this a threat?
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Squirrels before girls.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night