Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
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Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Roses are red, you always mattered,
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
The options really are this bad
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced