ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
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Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
sleeping beauty
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.