Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
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13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
☠️
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings