ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
If you want my opinion ask my wife
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.