me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
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…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Y’all ready for this
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I think my mom just blocked me
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo