Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
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He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Bring back the McRib
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
*launders Kohls cash*
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat