me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
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you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.