ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
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What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Don’t tell me what to do
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Namaste