Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
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Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty