@mrjohndarby

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

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@blaha_Who

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

@LostFelicia

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

@Lance_Said_This

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

@djdarrellripley

Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.

@bholejuice

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

@PajamaBen_

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”