*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
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First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Breaking news:
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.