me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
You Might Also Like
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!