me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
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The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers