Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
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I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
No. YOU-buprofen.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.