Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
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*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
#ParentingFacts
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.