me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
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It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
If a snake ate a cake
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”