@iwearaonesie

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

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@funnybeachgirl

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”

(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)

@LaniBeno

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

@ArfMeasures

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

@cepheusjackson

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

@truegritrumble

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

@LaLuchaNix

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

@neiltyson

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

@tanialunreal

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

@ficklenuts

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.