Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
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“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking