@Brampersandon_

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

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@Puncroaker

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

@DairylandDon

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

@ceejoyner

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

@actioncookbook

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid

@Cheeseboy22

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

@pieceofchat

Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

@UnfilteredMama

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

@BobGolen

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.