ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
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I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.