me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
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Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
dam girl
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?