me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
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Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
The first one, obviously
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Awesome parenting 😂
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
There’s never enough good news
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.