Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
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Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Flowers bee like
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.